Don't Hate Me 'Cause I'm Beautiful
by Pop Goes the Cherry
Summary: <html><head></head>Meet Shanaylatifaqua, a mary sue. Created solely for the purpose of being one. She is beautiful and she can rap in parseltongue. It's as serious as Sirius Black, her father. Please read and flame.</html>
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. All credit goes to the actual author J.K. Rowling.

Author's Note: This is not serious it is for fun and for my own amusement, and yes the typos are on purpose. So yeah. That's it, enjoy.

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><p>I was wearing a black punk-rock shirt that said "Death to Unicorns", I was also waring ripped balck skinny jeans.<p>

I was sitting in the middle of the road in the rain when out of nowhere some dude cam up to me and said e wnted to rape meh. I screamed and ran when I suddenly was hit from behind and dragged into an alleyway. But I was saved by Sirius Black who told me that he was my father and my mother was Kagome from Inuyasha.

I was also really the true "Girl who Lived", I also had powers from the sacred jewel and I had 360-degree vision with my Byakugan and I could do wasndless spells but I still use a wand to try and fit in with everyone else because I didn't want to be special.

My father took me back to his home in Gremald Place and introduced me to his mother. She yelled at me and said very mean things and I started to tear up then Sirius told her I was his daughter. She started to tear up and smiled at me and told me I was the perfect granddaughter because I was butiful and had amazing powers. Then she told me she granted me the gift of the Black family which would make me the next head of the family. My grandmother told me that she also granted me the power of mind-control.

After that years past and Sirius taught me many more spell s than the seven years at Hogwarts, and I was only eleven.

At that time, Sirius decided to tell me that I needed to go to Hogwarts, because I was to special for letters.

I cried and sai d that I didn't want to go but he made me go anyways. So we wnt to Diagon alley and he bought me a bunch of things before we went to get my wans.

In the shop, Ollivande gave me a wand but none of the wands worked. So he had to make me a custom one. It was a maple wand with core of dragon heartstring, lion' s tooth, basilisk poison, phoenix feather, vela hair (they were taken from Fleur Delacour), claw from a hippogriff, hair from a unicorn, hair from a thestral, goblin teeth, Death Eater fingers, souls of DEmentors, and tounge of Sphinx. Ollivander was so impressed with the amount of cores my wand had, that he gave it to me fore free. He also ssaid it was because I was very beautiful.

You must be wondering what I look like since I always said I was beautiful. I had beautiful periwinkle hairthat reached all the way to my feet which I always keep in a braid, I had beautiful blue and green eyes (one blue, the oteher green), my skin was pale and pure looking like snow after its been peed on, my lips were red like that vampire guy from Twilite, my eyelashes were curlier than wany eleylashes you've ever seen. Some people hacve said I was more beautiful than veelas.

Anyways, after shopping, Sirius decided to take me shopping to get an owk. The owl I got was a beautiful gigantic hawk. It's wingspan was eight feet long and It had elegant looking eyes. I named it Dark Magician. After that, I cared for Dark Magician until I had to leave for Hogwarts.

On the train, I met some faggy kid who looked like that Daniel Radcliffe guy in that one movie with the magicians, known as Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. Anyhow, I thought he kinda looked coot so I decide to rape him. But then his equally faggy ginger boyfriend came in and ssaved him. I started crying because I couldn't rape the little boy so I ran back into my compartment, started crying some more, and started cutting myself.

To be continued...


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Please do not take anything seriously. This is after all, a parody.

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><p><p>

After cutting myself, I started to feel much better and stopped crying. When suddenly my compartment door slid open and a boy that looked very hot entered. It was Draco Malfoy! He was so sexy wearing his school uniform, then he opened his mouth, then he stopped being sexy. I punched him in the jaw and he left. He said some very mean things as he left, and I broke sown crying. After that I started cutting myself even more until I went unconscious from the blood loss.

When I woke up, I was face to face with the most beautiful giant ever. His name was Hagrid, and I was in love. I immediately edmited my love to him but he said he didn't feel the same way towards young children. I had no other choice! I had to rape him. But he managed to defend himself by throwing me into the lake.

I was rescued by a giant squid. I fell in love. But the squid din't feel the same and tried to drown me some more.

Then a mermaid saved me! I fell in love for the fifth time. The mermaid became jealous of my good looks and tried to stab me with its trident. I defended myself by killing the mermaid whil crying and then swam to the surface.

Luckily, none the boats left, so climbed into one and fell in love with the cutest boy ever. His name was Neville Longbottom and he looked soooooo cute holding his stupid frog. I admitted my love and he blushed adorably. I asked him on a date, but he fell unconscious from being so embarrassed. I tried to take his pants off, but the boat already arrived at the school so I just left him alone.

During the sorting, I kept winking at Neville and making "call me" signs, but he didn't understand any of them.

During the sorting, people went up and I rated them on a scale of one to ten. When Draco went up, I screamed at him and called him a bitch, causing everyone to laugh, especially the Slytherin table, the Gryffindors just felt sorry for him. But then he was sorted into Slytherin, so they started screaming at him and calling hinm a bitch too. After Draco, I went up, and for some reason a few people started laughing at my name. I thought Shanaylatifaqua Nyquil was a nice name.

I said out loud that I rated myself a ten and pointed at the Harry Potter look-alike and said that I gave him a one, because he wouldn't let me rape him, the bitch. After that, the hat put me in Gryffindor because apparently being able to kill the one you love with its own weapon takes balls, but I didn't have balls, I have globes. I mentally started bitching at the hat because I dint want to be in Gryffindor since its colors clashed with my hair, I'd rather be in Slytherin. But the bitch hat put me in Gryffindor and I told it to go to hat hell.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Remember to keep in mind that this is not serious. Crap, I just realized that there are not as many spelling and grammar mistakes as the other chapters. Oh well, there'll be more next time.

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><p>Being the awesome rebel I am, I refused to go to the Gryffindor table and instead chose to sit at the Slytherin table. Then some stupid greasy-haired guy started yelling at me and told me to sit with the Gryffindors. I replied by calling him racist and flipped my long silky periwinkle braid which ended up smaking him in the face. The racist bitch deserved it.<p>

I was starting to like sitting at this table, but that was before I saw the stupid monstrosity sitting not too far from me. Draco Malfoy.

I had to leave before I felt the urge to cut myself again, so I ended up sitting at the Ravenclaw table. They kept using big words whenever they talked and kept staring at me, probably because I wasn't adding to the conversation, but it was most likely because of my beauty. I glared at them and told them to stop staring or else their eyes will melt from my magnificence.

I then sat at the Hufflepuff table. Sure there colors clashed with my hair, but they didn't clash as much as the Gryffindor colors would, and that was good enough for me. But then something happened. I couldn't quite place it, but I felt this weird aura surrounding me, like it wanted to choke me. I immediately left the table for fear of dieing. It was settled, Hufflepuffs are scary.

Left wif nowhere to sit, I swallowed my pride and sat next to Neville at the stupid Gryffindor table. My plan was to molest him when no one was looking but that plan fell out the moment some girl started talking to me.

At that moment, I fell in love….with her hair. It was magical, for lack of better words. It looked like that thing that Dark Magician once spit up after he came home from hunting. I just couldn't take my eyes away from it no matter how much I tried. Nothing could ruin this wonderful moment for me, except the girl who owned the hair started talking to me, at which I told her to shut up and let me touch her glorious 'fro.

Then the bitch had the nerve to slap me. But it was weird, it looked like she was trying to slap me, her hand had indeed made contact with my face, but it didn't feel like a slap at all. It felt more like fairy farting on my face. When I told her this, the bitch with the awesome hair got all red and shit. Then I heard a freakishly loud slapping sound. Then everything went white. Then it went black.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I own Justin Bieber (thank God), they belong to their respective owners. Thanks to the lovely people who favorite this or review it, I'm surprised anybody actually pays attention to this crap. As always, keep an open mind while reading.

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><p>I woke up only to have the first thing I see be a rapist, and that's always a great way to start your day. The reapist I'm talking about is the stupid bitch with fantastic hair who just loves slapping people who have done nothing to offend her. She was standing next to a bed that I was in for some reason. Why was I in the bed? Why don't you ask the rapist. She kept goin on and on about how sorry she was (sorry my perfect ass) but I wasn't really paying attention. I mean, who would when ya got that awesome afro staring at you in the face but you cant even touch it cause you know you're gonna get bitch-slapped. Well I say screw getting slapped, I'm touchin that mo-fro whether the rapist likes it or not.<p>

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><p>When I woke up I was in a strange, dark room. The only noise I could hear was what I assumed to be the snoring of about four other people. Holy fucking crap. I slept through an entire day. I got hit so hard by a chick with teeth problems, I managed to miss one and a half days. Note to self: never touch someone's hair without their permission. Ah who the hell am I kiddin? I'm gonna do it again.<p>

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><p>Since I didn't really give a crap about schedules, I decided to start my first day of classes by randomly walking into a class and seeing if they would say anything when I sat down. The very first class I walked into belonged to some greasy-haired dude.<p>

I fell in love. Nevermind the fact that I called this guy racist in the last chapter, and never mind how I smacked him in the face with my gorgeous hair. Nevertheless, I fell in love, and I fell hard. I made sure he knew I loved him, so I got down on one knee and began to sing "Baby" by Justice Beaver. I didn't even care that I was supposed to be some gothic emo and that bieber was as preppy as they come. I was in love, and that was all that mattered.

Apparently he didn't fell the same way and made me go to the dungeons after class for detention. At least I learned something new, Snape likes it kinky.

I decided to take a walk outside instead of going to my second class after that comfortably awkward detention I spent whit my darling Snapikinns. Strangely enough, the stupid Griphondorks were woutside practicing flying.

Since I was already a natural when it came to flying, I decided to join them in order to show off some of my skills. But when I tried to pick up my broom without actually touching it, it stayed on the ground. So I did what anybody whould in my situation. I started to verbally abuse it so brutally, even The Dark Lord himself (*cough* Darth Vader *cough*) would cry.

Then the most magical thing happened! It picked itself off the ground and started to mercilessly beat me. I had to go to the nurse's office, something about the teachers not wanting to waste anymore of my precious bran cells. How nice of them!

But it wasn't all bad, cause you know who was there with me? My adorable little Neville who had to be treated for something involving his arm. What a wonderful day this was!


	5. Finale

AN: The final chapter of this five part epic love story. That's right, final; my fingers started burning from the sheer amount of crap I had to write. This chapter is dedicated to those awesome four reviews, YOU GUYS KEEP ME GOING! I disclaim everything.

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><p>My poor Nevile was brused and baterd and bluddy and stuf. I cal out to him and asked him what hapend while turying to touch his face, but he stopps me with his battered and bloody and stuff han.<p>

He told me he lovd me and that we were destined and that nhe tole me that we were not destined to be soulmates. He told me that there was someone else out there for me, not him, but he still told me he loved me. then, before he left or died or something he told me that I was to be the head of the Longmottom family. And then he gave tme the power to fly. I spouted betiful whit angle wings that sparkld liek Eddykinz.

After that, he disappeared into a field of butterflies and never returned. He tdiesd Disney style like he alwayz wanted too, like he told me during our few last minutes in the feast when I first came in.

I cried and cried and cut myself some more. Before a beautiful butterfree shat on my head and left. Oh nevill, I thought, that must be his last I love you to me. And with that, I cried and cried and cut myself som more.

Then, my hawk, Dark Magician cme in and turned into a beautiful and hot ans cexcie man who was…NICHOLAS FLAMMEL!

He was so beutiful, more beauful then my Neville, but Neville still helds a place in my hart. Nicholas Flammel reveeled to me that he was a hawk aminangus and was injured whil flying so he was cent into the owl shop. But then I found him and nursed him into helth n kared for him and luved him and then he fell in love with me.

I declared my love to Nikky and then a snake came in and I started to speak in parseltunge! Nikky turned out to also kno paseltuinge and tugether with the snake, we stated to sing our special song.

_Ohh wooaah __[x3]_

You know you love me, I know you care  
>Just shout whenever, and I'll be there<br>You want my love, you want my heart  
>And we will never ever ever be apart<p>

Are we an item? Girl, quit playing  
>We're just friends, what are you saying?<br>Say there's another and look right in my eyes  
>My first love broke my heart for the first time<br>And I was like...

Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<p>

Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<p>

For you I would have done whatever  
>And I just can't believe we ain't together<br>And I wanna play it cool, but I'm losin' you  
>I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring<br>And I'm in pieces, baby fix me  
>And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream<br>I'm going down, down, down, down  
>And I just can't believe my first love won't be around<p>

And I'm like  
>Baby, baby, baby oooh<br>Like baby, baby, baby nooo  
>Like baby, baby, baby oooh<br>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)

Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<p>

And then I showd my amahzing Parseltounge rappin abilitys to Niky and the snake, which I affectounately named Viagra.

_Luda! When I was 13, I had my first love,  
>There was nobody that compared to my baby<br>and nobody came between us or could ever come above  
>She had me going crazy, oh, I was star-struck,<br>she woke me up daily, don't need no Starbucks.  
>She made my heart pound, it skipped a beat when I see her in the street and<br>at school on the playground but I really wanna see her on the weekend.  
>She knows she got me dazing cause she was so amazing<br>and now my heart is breaking but I just keep on saying..._

_Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<p>

I'm gone (Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah)  
>All I'm gone (Yeah Yeah Yeah, Yeah Yeah Yeah)<br>Now I'm all gone-

Befor I could finsh teh song, Voldemort came in out of nowhere and attackd us with his army of Death Eaters! I tired to call for help, but it turned out, everyone was on Voldemort's side!

I try to ask Dumbledore why he joind and he told me that he wanted more pwer, and he wnted to moles little kidz and that I was being two powerful and stroung to cuntrol. So he taked out his wand and shot an Avada Kedavra at mah Nikky n mahomie Viagra.

They both died instantly, I cried over their bodies before defending myself from a whole bunch of Avada KEdavras before shielfing myself with my Caiten wich I lerned frum when I speant my time with my family in Konoha.

Then Voldemort pulled out a gun and shotted me in the head n I exploded.

When I woke up, I was in a matarnal word, the name on my tag read Enoby Darkness Ravenway Dementia Itachi Orihime Hancock Hyuuga of the Pisa Tower.

The End?


End file.
